Hello mommas and welcome to Mommy Tell All Monday, a place to share our mommy moments with one another.
Today a good friend of mine is sharing from her heart today…a pain I know (and maybe many of you) may know all too well. Though it saddens me to know so many women go through situations such as this, it also comforts me to know that I am not alone, that there are many women who I can find comfort from because they can relate.
Watching the ultrasound tech search unsuccessfully for my baby’s heartbeat, seeing the emotion slide off her face as she realized what she knew the doctor would have to tell me because she wasn’t allowed.
Having to hand the phone off to a nurse so she could give my husband driving directions to the hospital because I was crying too hard to speak.
Listening to the midwife give me my “options”, as if there was any other option than going through with the delivery.
Holding my baby girl. Too small, too still, for too short a time.
Leaving the hospital with no baby. Carrying nothing but a folder full of information on the stages of grieving instead of tips for nursing and swaddling.
Realizing that because the doctor was telling me they had no idea why it happened, they couldn’t do anything to make sure it didn’t happen again.
Making myself not react to people who told me “It’s better this way. She would have survived being born this early, but she would have had severe health problems.”
Trying to be understanding when people told me “At least she died before she was born. It’s not like you have to go through as much as a parent who lost an actual child”.
Talking to other people who have also lost children, knowing that I’m lucky to have had no lasting physical effects and a subsequent normal pregnancy, but still not knowing quite what to say when someone asks me how many children I have.
“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.” ~ Jay Neugeboren, An Orphan’s Tale